Looking For Real Awareness In This Insipid And Strange Universe?

Universe in French is "univers" or "uni vers" meaning you're united towards something. I thought I chose my friends wisely but it seems they wanted to piss me off. Of course, you can't choose your family but it's now in pieces.

I was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. My mother told me this in a plane. I didn't know at the time what cancer was except it's a bad disease. A natural feeling: 99 years waiting for someone to care for me.

Now, 10 years later, I think it's an autoimmune disorder. It's a clever mix of cancer, allergy and inflammation. In any case, it's a disorder meaning my life is just a mess.

The family is shattered; so many people died since I was born. Love stories usually finish badly but nobody explains why. I think there are two reasons mainly:

1. In time, you become persuaded your partner is the devil,
2. Some friends let you down: one man's loss is another man's gain.

When Did A Simple Life Become Boring?

I'm 42 yo and I'm experienced. I used to know what I needed: family, friends, work, sports, money, and hobbies. But in the long run I feel it would be sad to stuck in this scheme. Maybe there's something I'm missing.

I was badly insulted my whole life and it's still going on. I'm tolerated but I want to be celebrated. Watch out because insults in the Mediterranean can be friendly. Plus I'm an astronomy fan and the dimensions of the universe are insulting.

I guess if you can handle insults with a sense of grace and humor, you're headed in the right direction.

A lesson I've learned though is that don't try to insult people openly because they will retaliate. That's what happened with my neighbour below me where I was living in the 2010s and he responded saying I was inept to live in society.

The Problem With Our Society Is Cruelty, Not Severity

If only fools are kind then it's wise to be cruel. If life belongs only to the strong, then you'd better stay on top otherwise life will kick you in the ass.

For some people, life is a competition. For others, life is an extreme experience and solidarity is important. There must be a good balance where the group would win and life would remain fun with challenges and riddles.

Still, I'm overwhelmed by our history, the time scale of the universe and the solar system. I'm still undecided if 40 years of experience is insignificant in our world. I know some people think I'm trash and they have more experience.

Maybe I'm trash because I don't take care of my body, in other words, I might show everyone my complex life.

What If My Story Wasn't So Common After All?

Something's wrong in my universe. I'm surrounded with borderline people. And I wonder if didn't become borderline thanks to my inspection of their lives. They're like mirrors. Sometimes it's flattering but most of the time it's ridiculous and scary.

At the end of 2015, I used a method I developed to understand my life and why I feel trapped. I wanted to free myself. Who knows if by the same process I free humanity? You guessed it, I succeeded to find a hint based on music.

Now I know what went wrong with my life: insults and misunderstanding.

Nicolas Boileau said: "Whatever is well conceived is clearly said, And the words to say it flow with ease" in The Art of Poetry (1674). I want my Mediterranean heart back: I left my heart in Paris with jokers and thieves. Life is not a joke even though laughing is the first step of the cure.

I Don't Care If People Feel Pity For Me

Sometimes, I don't know, you can't always be strong. If you want to be alive, you have to take risks and be vulnerable. One thing that worked for me is having a trusted way of life in case things go wrong.

There are many cold heartbreakers down here and they'll leave you lying on the bed. The first time that happened I read detective novels where the investigator was giving plenty of advice and was dating lots of pretty women. It made a lasting impression on me.

Hope is not a word you can banalise easily. What's wrong with a safe bet?

I know what people want and I think men and women face the same ordeal: they need respect. This means we need to look back a little and be proud of the path we took. We need to understand to defeat apathy.